Steve and I were married less than 2 months when we experienced our 1st tirp to the hospital: I broke my arm catching a kickball. :( We both learned a great deal about communication as well as recognizing that we are vulnerable/not invincible. It was definitely a time of learning how to serve one another in addition to sharing what we need. When we married, I felt like a crazy woman trying to oganize my things as well as changing my name on important documents, etc. Breaking my arm actually slowed me down a little bit! :)
Less than two months after breaking my arm, and less than one month into a new school/work year, Steve and I found out that we were pregnant!! When we saw that the pregnancy test was positive we held one another, laughed, and shared joyful tears.
We were excited to share that time with close friends who were also pregnant at that timel: Dreaming of our kiddos growing up together and becoming good friends in addition to sharing in the beginnings of parenthood with our friends.
When our baby was 9 weeks old, we were blessed to have been given an early ultrasound.
A few days went by and I/Mer started to not feel well... I had a fever and a cough that wouldn't ease up. Due to pregnancy, I wasn't able to take anything for my cough or fever but drank lots of fluids and used cough drops. Looking back, I think that I went through 5 boxes of tissue, too. :) A week later, Steve and I went to a bridal shower for two dear people. :) After the shower I remember feeling some slight muscle pulls down low in my abdomen. That evening, while at home relaxing with my hubby, I started spotting. That was the first time and thus I was pretty concerned. However, spotting is a common occurrence for many pregnant mommies and thus Steve and I prayed...deciding to not let worry reign in that moment. An hour later, the spotting increased as well as became more red.
We called the on-call Doctor- she set up an ultrasound for me 2 days later (on Monday) as to give my heart reassurance. From Midnight to 3am, I had terrible pains in my back and abdomen... I couldn't sleep and later noticed that the bleeding was heavy. We called the Doctor back and then headed in to the ER at Clarian North at 4am. Steve texted some family and friends to elicit prayer.
After an I.V., a Rhogam shot, and lots of cramping, we were told that we had a 50/50 chance that the baby was alive and well. Steve and I were sent back to a room where a gal was called in to give an ultrasound.
It was comforting to realize that the technician and I both grew up in Anderson and had mutual friends through our years of swimming in high school. Having that connection helped calm my heart. As she showed the images on the screen I remember thinking, "I don't see the baby. I'm not good at reading these and thus maybe I'm missing him or her." My voice then became audible, "I don't see the baby."
The ultrasound technician was limited in all that she was permitted to say and thus could only share what she COULD see... helping us infer that our baby was no longer there. Out of respect and care, the technician left Steve and I in the room together. I went to the bathroom and couldn't help but let the flood gates (tears) open up. Steve came in and held me...we both cried and cried. All that we kept thinking of was our first ultrasound: seeing our baby wiggle.
We left the hospital a few hours later, near 8am on November of 2008, and it was snowing. God is so good... He knows that I love snow. He also knows that when it rains or snows it seems as if God is blessing those it falls upon. Despite the physical and emotional pain that morning, God's presence was so evident. We felt so much love from God through our family, friends, and co-workers.
My boss called me immediately when she saw my email on Sunday morning- encouraging me to not come into work until I was ready. She was a huge support! Friends and family sent cards, flowers and meals. Melody and Dylan, a couple who had suffered the same type of loss ~7-8 months prior, comforted Steve and I with the comfort God had given them. They not only gave us a basket with treats, a CD, and a book ("I'll hold you in Heaven" by Debbie Heydrick), but they called us and texted us often to make sure we were encouraged.
2 Corinthians 1:4 - who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
Steve and I both felt as if that time was more intimate that anything we had experienced to that point (i.e., our wedding day, etc). Before the night of the miscarriage, Steve had a dream that we gave birth to a lil girl with dark, brown hair encircling a little red patch in the middle. When he pulled her away from his chest to gaze upon her again he noticed that the baby he was holding was slightly older with lighter hair. Per that dream, we feel strongly that God was telling us that we had a little girl. When she came to my mind (which was often), I pictured a lil face that was as cute as a rosebud. For that reason, we named her Rose Olivia.
Before I went back to work I realized 2 things: (1). I really wanted to be a mom and (2). I could then admit that my job was very stressful. I loved my job but there was too much for one person to do and do to the desire of my heart. Not wanting to make an emotional decision and let my job go without fervent prayer, Steve and I prayed and prayed. By March, I sensed that God was encouraging me to let my job go. It was a difficult decision but I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. Steve calmed my fears (of possibly putting more stress upon him finacially, etc) by showing his sincere support of this decision. He is my biggest cheerleader!! :)
From April 2008 to April 2009, I had been growing my hair for locks of love. I was so excited to not only donate my hair but to start a new season in life. Not only did my head feel lighter but so did my heart. It was the beginning a new journey- knowing that I was letting go of lots of stress and painful memories...
It was a bitter-sweet season... I was letting go of a job that I LOVED (my students, staff, and parents) but it was what I knew God wanted. He wanted to lesson the stress in my life. Steve and I also desired to add to our family again. Lessoning stress would hopefully assist.
LOVE YOU, FOREST DALE ELEMENTARY!!!
Immediately after the school year came to a close, Steve was asked to be an Elder and Pastor for a church plant in Fishers, Indiana. We were absolutely thrilled, humbled, and honored!! We prayed about this part of our journey and realized that we needed to sell our home in Broad Ripple and move up to my old condo in Fishers. Before our move in August, my sister-in-law, Kristin, and her husband, Clint, had their 2nd baby: Kelsey Rose. She is a precious little girl who has brought such joy!!!
(Aimee and I show-off Kelsey)
Just before Kelsey's birth, my hubby had extensive ankle surgery. Poor guy wasn't able to walk for 2-3 months but BOY did he enjoy that knee scooter!! Especially when crusing around work (The VA Hospital) and grocery stores. :) His ankle is as good as new and we are LOVING the church plant!! www.lanternroad.com We have developed such close friendships with those we see each week and feel so honored to be a part of their lives. It's humbling to be able to serve the city of Fishers with these folks.
The first year and a 1/2 of our marriage has brought us both joys and sorrows, but the sorrows only made joys that much richer... and brought us even closesr to God and to one another. Thank you for reading this post... It was a long one!! :)
Much love,
Meridith
PS
Knowing that our baby is in Heaven and is with Jesus brings Steve and I immense Joy. Although we felt the pain of loss on-and-off, we couldn't help but smile knowing where she is.
One of the songs Melody gave us was Watermark's "Glory Baby." I put the lyrics a the bottom of this blog along with a brief bio about Nathan and Christy Nockel's experience with miscarriage.
Bio of Nathan and Christy Nockels:
Part of Watermark's appeal is their refusal to shy away from difficult topics. This trait was perhaps most pronounced on their sophomore effort, All Things New, released by Rocketown in 2000. The album features the song "Glory Baby," a reminiscence of the child Christy miscarried. The couple suffered a second miscarriage before the birth of their son Noah Luke in 2000. Christy speaks candidly, both musically and in interviews, of the pain she and Nathan endured and its effect on their faith. "We've experienced grief for the first time and learned about that process, but I think through grief, God just showed me some places in my life that I needed to surrender," she told the Christian Broadcasting Network's Lisa Ryan. "It was a really dark time, but at the same time it is strange because I look back on that and I remember that being a very spiritually enlightening, very bright, light time," Nathan recalled in the same interview. "I think it was because everything was stripped away, just like that, and there was nothing except for us and God." Christy feels it is important to share her tribulations with audiences: "A lot of brokenness and vulnerability comes through on our records and in our concerts. People can see that we're weak, we're not super Christians, and we don't have it all together but, thankfully, God uses us in spite of it."
Read more: http://www.musicianguide.com/biographies/1608003761/Watermark.html#ixzz0dARr1N7V
Watermark's "Glory Baby" (Nathan and Christy Nockels)
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
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